Let’s assume that you’re single and interested in dating. Maybe your friends have told you about potential dates with phrases like “I know this really great guy/girl who would be PERFECT for you!” or “You know who you’d really like? This girl/guy I know! They’re so funny/smart/cute/fun—I bet you’d totally click.” Perhaps you trusted your friends’ matchmaking abilities and went on a date with one of these recommendations.
That’s when everything went off the rails, right? He was cute but had weird ideas about the government (and plans to overthrow same; detailed plans.) She was funny but stole food off your plate during dinner (not in a flirty way, more like a furtive squirrel.) He was fun but bragged about his sexual history (including showing you photos on his iPhone.) She was smart but corrected your grammar (verbally at the table and later via email.)Â Getting set up by friends, no matter how well-meaning they are, can go horribly wrong.
Why is this?
When your friends are evaluating whether you and a random weirdo they know would have a good time together, they’re drawing on a fairly limited pool of information:
- How well they know your likes and dislikes
- How well they know the weirdo
- The nature and substance of previous relationships held by either party
- How desperate you both are at present
Unfortunately, this information is usually skewed by the fact that you (and the weirdo, probably) don’t disclose absolutely everything about yourself to your friends. For example, your coworker (who’s trying to find a hookup for a lonely girl they know from college) might not know that you can’t stand people who chew loudly. Or that you think sarcasm is really rude and immature. Or that you have a strange revulsion toward Martha Stewart’s hairstyle. So when you meet their sarcastic, noisily-chewing college roommate who’s sporting that oddly specific haircut, you might start to question why you’re dating in general and also if you can change jobs before Monday morning to avoid speaking to your coworker ever again.
The truth is: the only person who knows all your little quirks is you (even if you’re in denial about a couple of them). The best way to filter out all the people who are going to rub you the wrong way is to review their personality traits, see what they look like, then ask yourself “Could I stand to be within touching distance of this person for 2-4 hours in a public setting?” Also: “Might I enjoy the experience?” If you’re totally lost at this point, the answer to both of those should be “Yes.”
Since very few people are interested in literally interviewing for a date with you (“Tell me a little about yourself. What books do you like? Do you smoke? What’s your stance on gun control? Do you put out on the first date? Will you freak out when I talk about going to strip clubs? Want to come with me to one? Right now?”), all the while striking poses in a variety of interesting locations so you properly evaluate whether they float your particular boat, you’ll need to consider other options: online dating, for example.
Before you get all defensive and huffy with the “That’s not for me!” and “I don’t need to use the Internet like some kind of loser!” or the “What kind of whacko meets their wife or husband or casual hiking buddy with benefits or holiday weekend sex monkey online?”, just climb down off your high horse and consider these two scenarios:
- Shopping in a crowded store between 9 AM and 6 PM where the clerk asks what you’re looking for and how they can help every two minutes until you’re about ready to clock them with a shoe
- Shopping on your computer in your PJs around 2 AM, where you can pick your nose and sneer at the price of that fugly shirt or lame piece of imported plastic crap without being judged
Which sounds more appealing? You’re probably picking your nose in front of the computer and wiping it on your PJs right now, aren’t you?
Most online dating websites are fairly similar to Amazon (or Craigslist, depending on your standards) and let you browse through the guys or girls (or both; we don’t judge) to see what strikes your fancy. With each profile, you can evaluate some or all of the following:
- Personality
- Looks
- Vital statistics
- Social interests
- Tastes (literature, movies, TV, Internet humor, mixed martial arts competitions, etcetera)
- Turn-ons and -offs
- Political affiliations
You can even imagine yourself next to them in that photo on the beach, holding their hand, touching their bronzed skin, kissing their perfect lips, pulling them down to the sand and tugging a towel over you both as the waves crash around your sweating bodies and they lustily slide a hand into your pants before…well, you get the idea. In short, you can sort through and discard all the profiles that make you go “meh” or “no” until you find a “ZOMG!” that makes your heart sing and your pants tighten.
The first part of dating is just finding a person you like—there’s no point in making it harder than it needs to be. Save your energy for the really tough stuff: going on actual dates.